Oh What A Tangled Web We Weave – Chapter II (With Pictures)

We left our hero, Police Constable Patrick James, shut up in his broom cupboard with strict instructions not to talk to anybody, not even his own bosses.

Patrick James in the Broom Cupboard
Patrick James in the Broom Cupboard

His broom cupboard, on the 13th floor of New SlapSlap Yard, was small, stuffy and wasn’t blessed with one of the best views of London. They were reserved for the Head Commish, Sir Bernie Hogan-Who on the top floor.

Patrick, however, was beavering away. Smoke was pouring from his abacus as he tried to make the numbers make some  kind  of sense.  A Punishment Posting. Crime Stats at The Centre. Nobody’s idea of a plum posting, and to make matters worse The Tank had been converted to a bloody gym.

The beads on the abacus were clacking wildly as PC James pushed them from side to side, trying his hardest to make the numbers add up. Something was wrong, there weren’t enough crimes here.  Somebody had made some Sexual Offences disappear since Patrick had last performed his query. Patrick was absolutely certain that when he had counted them last week there had been hundreds more. Hundreds of serious sexual offences had just disappeared off the books. “What to do?” thought Patrick, “What to do?”

After a short period of deliberation he decided he would quietly raise the matter with his boss, DCI Quentin R Sole. Sole became very heated and agitated as Patrick unburdened himself on his poor, unfortunate boss. “Now look here James, do yourself a favour and forget you’ve ever told me and forget the missing crimes, it doesn’t matter, it’s nothing”

Detective Chief Inspector Quentin R Sole
Detective Chief Inspector Quentin R Sole

“It most certainly isn’t nothing guv” said Patrick, “Those bloody tecs are making crimes disappear off the books. Why?”

“Look Patrick, can I call you Patrick? If you keep this up it won’t end well. That idiotic Home Secretary, Cruella Whatserface, has announced that crime is down, so down it bloody well will be. The Mayor, Lord Bozzer of Londinium (Bozo to his friend apparently) , has been briefed by Rabbi Glibs that crime is down on the capital, so it has to be down.”

“Why should I care about what the Home Secretary has rashly said?” asked Patrick. “She’s just too quick off the mark”

“Yes, I know”said DCI Quentin R Sole, but it gets worse, much worse, you wouldn’t believe.  If you won’t listen to me, old Two Dads wants to see you, that won’t be good”

Inevitably, after a few days, Nigel Goat-Botherer, Bernie the Ostrich’s Bag Carrier, summoned Patrick to the top floor of New SlapSlap Yard “Bring your Fed Rep with you”.  Sadly, on the appointed day, Patrick’s Fed Rep was busy, had an appointment to have his haemarhoids seen to and couldn’t sit down, so not much point in being there.

Nigel Goat-Botherer

“Go on in” said Goat-Botherer, “The Boss is expecting you”

Patrick apprehensively entered Inner Sanctum, Head Commish Sir Bernard Hogan-Who’s very own version of Hallowed Ground.  “Ah, James, thank you, no, don’t sit down, this won’t take long”  Patrick stood stiffly to attention, apprehensive.

Head Commish SlapSlap Constabulary

“Just for once I won’t beat about the bush. My people in the  Directorate of All Things Bollocks tell me you’ve been stirring things up again. Apparently Crime Stats is your latest Crusade”

“Yes Sir” said Patrick firmly. “Crimes are being made to disappear from the books and it’s simply not right”

“Ah, you mean Project Finnesse. Those crimes aren’t going anywhere, they’re just being ‘tidied up’ a bit, make the books look a bit better. It’s all part of this Total Policing Bollocks.”

“With Respect Sir that is total bollocks” replied Patrick. “There’s no ‘tidying up’ going on, it’s wholesale weeding.”

Hogan-Who turned a nasty shade of purple, his fists clenched and he was visibly shaking. “OK young man, this is how it will be. Home Secretary Cruella de Night, Lord Bozzer and me, we have all told the gullible public that crime is coming down, so come down it bloody well will. We can’t be seen to be wrong now can we?”

Patrick stood quietly, aghast. Did Bernie the Ostrich really just say that? That’s not how it’s meant to be.

Quickly, Hogan-Who continued, slightly calmer, but not much. “And the final straw are these OCU Commanders and my SMT. They’ve been paid bonuses on the back of falling crime. What are you suggesting man? We all pay our bonuses back? Wake up man, that’s never going to happen”

“Well Sir, this is clearly a serious bit of malpractice and I can’t just sit back and watch it now can I? That simply wouldn’t be right.”

“Just get back to your broom cupboard and get on with whatever demeaning dross my people have found for you to do. One more squeak out of you and it will be Gardening Leave….Are we clear?”

Bowed but not broken our hero Patrick descended to the 13th floor and pondered his next move. The rest, as they say, is history, and history it truly is. SlapSlap Constabulary will forever be tarnished by the scandal. The Directorate of All Things Bollocks enjoys no confidence whatsoever. Neither Police nor Public now think that they are fit for purpose, with many believing that they are out of control and possibly some officers acting in a criminal manner themselves.

PC James is now plain Mr James, an Employment Tribunal is awaited. No less than 3 Peers of the Realm have weighed in to try and right this wrong, but without success. Lord Bozzer and the Head Comish both refused to stay the second set of Disciplinary Proceedings. Our hero Patrick was served a set of papers before he retired informing him that he was being investigated for “Being a Victim of Victimisation and Vindictiveness” and would likely be struck off, months after his retirement, now that makes sense in someone’s world I’m sure.

Some well-intentioned Freedom of Information Requests by friends have failed to receive a satisfactory response, #SlapSlapConstabulary just don’t want to talk about it. So while you’re mulling all this over, I will take my leave from the world of fiction with this little video clip, which seems quite appropriate at this moment in time.

Our Next Prime Minister

PC Patrick James, Head Commish, SlapSlap Constabulary, Sir Bernie Hogan-Who, Cruella de Night,  Lord Bozzer of Londinium, Rabbi Glibs, Nigel Goat-Botherer and DCI Quentin R Sole are all entirely fictitious and and any resemblance to actual persons, dead or living, is purely coincidental.



Oh What A Tangled Web We Weave

Once upon a time in a land far away lived a man. He was a very ordinary man really, but he had a job like no other.

He was a member of the SlapSlap Constabulary, and his name was Patrick James, A Constable no less.

A couple of years ago, no more, Patrick released a video on TubeYou about the challenges of being an active member of SlapSlap Constabulary and faithfully serving Her Maj The Queen.  This video has now been viewed 14,500+ times across the Universe so it must be quite good I suppose.

Encouraged by the response to his little video, Patrick started to write a series of little stories, sort of blogettes, highlighting the insidious actions of Thinking Tankers, people exchanging policies, some strange concept known as outsourcing, and the perils of outsourcing and a privatisation thingy he wrote about.

The good citizens of SlapSlap loved Patrick’s little stories, and the popularity of, and public confidence in, SlapSlap Constabulary went through the roof. They had never been so popular.  The good citizens  could see that Patrick was intelligent enough to see through the crap, mixed generously with smoke and mirrors, that the government of Angle Land were advocating.  One of the government’s favourite policies was “Reduce your budgets by 20% and show us how much more you can achieve with less resources, that will be fun”

Constable James continued to write his little stories, never disrespectful, always incisive and insightful.  The Head Commish of SlapSlap Constabulary never said a word.  In fact, the Deputy Commish at his daily meeting, thought that Constable James little vignette on TubeYou was actually a positive thing for SlapSlap Constabulary.

After a while PC James had a brainwave, over his cornflakes and Black Pudding for breakfast one morning he thought “Why don’t I bundle all my bloggy things up into a book and and sell them for a small amount?  All of the profits could go to charity, that would be a good idea wouldn’t it?”

And so, Constable James self-published his little book, and called it “Isn’t It Quiet?”

The book sold well in moderate quantities and, as good as his word, Constable James donated every single penny he received from the sale of his book to a Police Charity, wasn’t that nice of him?

Then one day Constable James received notification from the Directorate of All Things Bollocks at New SlapSlap Yard that all was not well.  Our hero Patrick was summoned to see the Deputy Director of All Things Bollocks and was told “Look James, this booky thing you’re selling just won’t do. It’s just not cricket.  We’ve had complaints from Cruella de Night, Herbert Nicholas and Lord Bozzer of Londinium that they don’t like what you’re writing about and that we have to shut you up” ……… “Shut Up James I don’t care if it is all true, since when has that bloody mattered?”

So our hero Patrick was despatched to the 13th floor of New SlapSlap Yard, placed in a broom cupboard with an abacus all to himself, and told “Do not speak to anyone, do not write to anyone, nobody at all, do you hear? Not even your bosses. Do you understand?”

And there Constable James languished for 18 long months, while the Directorate of All Things Bollocks tried to find some evidence, realised that there was no policy or regulation to cover the possibility that someone might actually write a book containing TRUTHS and so declared that this course of behaviour must amount to Gross Misconduct.  “Let’s get him sacked, that will shut the little bugger up”.

Little did they know that the Deputy Chief Commish from GrownUp Constabulary would review the evidence and recommend the charge was reduced to one of mere Misconduct as the evidence didn’t seem to stack up for Gross Misconduct to him.

“Bugger” said the Head Commish of SlapSlap Constabulary, “We can’t bloody sack him now, just make his life a bit unpleasant and demean him a little, maybe he’ll resign and we can shut him up that way”.

And lo, Constable James did indeed resign his post and seek solace and comfort from his true friends.

Watch this space, Volume II might get written one day.


PC Patrick James, Head Commish, SlapSlap Constabulary, Cruella de Night, Herbert Nicholas, Lord Bozzer of Londinium, Angle Land  and Deputy Chief Commish of GrownUp Constabulary are all entirely fictitious and and any resemblance to actual persons, dead or living, is purely coincidental.

TJF It’s Official

There I was, minding my own business and I happened across this video.

A lot of you will have seen it already, but it’s way too good not to be shared.

It has spawned timeless classics like Commander Padlock, Albino Wanker, Call Me Dave’s Big Society Bollocks  and Imelda May.

Even Inspector Gadget gets a mention.

The really sad part of it is though that the Cadet Centres, the Police Stations, Scotland Yard and Hendon Training College HAVE all been sold.

Peel Centre As It Is Now
Peel Centre As It Is Now
The Tower Blocks are due for demolition next

All I can say to you is, sit back, watch it again, and laugh while we still can.  Laughing may go out of fashion or be made unlawful any time soon.  It’s certainly not to be encouraged within the MPS.

A Complete Military History Of France

Right you lot, time for some humour, I’ve been miserable long enough, and what better target than those pesky Frenchies?

This was not my research, it is that of someone else (an American I believe), I do hope that I haven’t breached any copyright (no infringement intended), but in light of yesterday’s defeat in the 6 Nations match between England & France it’s way too good to be ignored. Those of you who know me personally will know that this fits entirely with my sense of humour, and as I did live in France for a while I’m using that as a justification for reproducing it.

The French are such a valiant nation that it seems only right and proper somehow to celebrate their achievements over the years, so I began with a quick Google search

French Military Victories
French Military Victories

So here they are, I know that I have a reader in France, I hope he/she enjoys my celebration of France’s achievements across time, and I’m quite convinced that my Belgian reader will smile a little too;

Gallic Wars
– Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at this time in history, a Roman ]

Hundred Years War
– Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.” Sainted.

Italian Wars
– Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion
– France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War
– France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Revolution
– Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War
– Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War
– Lost, but claimed it as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession
– Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution
– In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

French Revolution
– Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars
– Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War
– Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I
– Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late]. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II
– Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina
– Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion
– Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism
– France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be “Can we count on the French?”, but rather “How long until France collapses?”

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.”

Or, better still, the quote from Wall Street Journal: “They’re there when they need you.”

With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:

Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France’s [favour] for next 500 years.

Andrew Ouellette posts this in response:

1066 A.D. William The Conquerer Duke and Ruler of France Launches the Largest Invasion in the history of the world no other was as large until the same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th 1944 William Fights Harold for the Throne of England Which old king Edward rightfully left to William but Harold Usurped the throne Will fights the Saxons (English)wins and the French Rule England for the Next 80 Years. then the French start the largest building and economic infrastructure since the fall of the Roman Empire the Norman Economy skyrockets and the Normans inadvertently start England to become a major world Power Vive La France-

Matt Davis posts this in response to Andrew Ouellette above:

Oh dear. We seem to have overlooked some basic facts. Firstly, Philip the First (1060 – 1108) was King of France at the time of the Norman invasion of 1066 – William was Duke of Normandy and, incidentally, directly descended from the Vikings. William was, therefore, as alien to France as the experience of victory. Since Philip did not invade England, the victory at Hastings was Norman – not French. Normandy may be a part of France now but it most certainly wasn’t in 1066. Therefore, William’s coronation as King of England had nothing whatsoever to do with the French. As usual, they were nowhere near the place when the fighting was going on. The mistaken belief that 1066 was a French victory leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare; “When incapable of any victory whatsoever – claim someone else’s”.

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico’s weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier (“Halls of Montezuma”). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine…). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France’s solution: pay them to leave us alone. America’s solution: kick their asses (“the Shores of Tripoli”). [America’s] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennees until the modern day.

French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacred by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was “Kill them all. God will know His own.” Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defences.

Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:

Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:

The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for ‘leading’ said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.

So there you have it, if they want to beat us at rugby, then they should expect some stick in reply.

Broken Britain, by David Camoron

People of Britain, (please note that I did not say Great Britain, because it’s long since stopped being Great), I have to report to you that Britain is Broken.

The Police Service is broken. Broken by Winsor 1 and 2, broken by Theresa May, my right hand man, broken by our new Police and Crime Commissioners with their 200 performance targets. Broken by the changes to their pensions, pay scales, Compulsory Severance, they are broken.  They spend all their working lives trying to lock people up, well, we just had to break that mould, can’t be having folk locked up now can we? In fact, they are so broken that we’ve had to ask our partners, G4$, $erco and the like, to step in and rescue them and bring huge chunks of them into profit.  The Police have got the hump with me anyway, and all because I described them as ‘Relatively Honest’.  Don’t they realise that was in comparison with Ghaddafi’s Police, why are they even bothered?

The Armed Forces are broken. The combined strength of the Armed Forces is now at its lowest level since World War II when we fought that other despot, Mr Hitler.  We’re going to lose some more in the near future, but fear not, because I have a cunning plan.  We’ll increase the numbers of the Territorial Army and hopefully no-one will notice the difference.  If that doesn’t work we’ll get Captain Mainwaring and his men out of retirement to bolster the numbers and protect our shores and assets.

The Fire Brigade is broken. Fire Engines have been sold off, Fire Stations are being closed. Privatisation/Outsourcing/Partnership is creeping in, Firefighters are going to have to work longer for less pension, so all is well and going to plan.

The National Health Service is broken. Waiting lists are on the rise again, we’re haemorrhaging  doctors and nurses, they don’t want to stay any more. Hospital budgets are buggered, waiting times in A&E are completely unacceptable. The Health Service is safe in our hands, but Broken.

Because the Hospitals are broken, that has broken the Ambulance Service, who can no longer deliver their patients to hospital in a timely manner and get back out there.  Instead they spend hours parked up on the A&E Ambulance ramp just waiting, before they can get back into service once again.  The upside of this though, is that they can claim compensation from the hospital for keeping them waiting, thus screwing the hospital’s budget just a little bit more.

The Coastguards are broken.  We’ve closed down nearly half the Coastguard Stations around the British coast, with nice new shiny Central Control Centres set up miles from the sea.  Coastguard numbers are down too, so we’re well on target to have smashed them anytime soon.  The Search and Rescue Service has been sold off to a foreign company, so no matter how efficient they are at finding folk, they’re working for profit and those profits will go abroad. That’s good right? I’d quite like to outsource the RNLI as well, but as that’s a charity it might take a bit more thinking about.

The Prison Service is broken.  We are now beginning to see prisons run by our partners G4$ and $erco etc. It will soon be a shadow of its former self, but at least it will be privately run.

The Probation Service is broken.  Once again our illustrious partners G4$ and $erco came riding to the rescue and took on parts of the Probation Service remit, and even though they’re facing ongoing fraud enquiries because they seemingly charged for services they did not provide, that’s OK, that nice Chris Grayling has said that it’s OK for them to bid for new contracts

Social Services are so broken that G4$ have had to take over the running of some Children’s Homes, and apply for Planning Permission etc under the name of a private individual.

The Legal System is broken.  We were going to award contracts to the lowest bidder, but Chris Grayling has U Turned on that.  We will however carry out the following

  • Legal aid fees will be cut by 17.5% across the board
  • Residency tests to be introduced for civil legal aid – only those who have lived in the UK for more than 12 months will be eligible
  • Cap on contracts for duty solicitor work at police stations
  • Income restrictions will be put in place – those with more than £3,000 per month after mortgage, tax and other “essential outgoings” will not be entitled to aid
  • 11,000 cases brought by prisoners will no longer be eligible
  • And on top of that you will no longer be eligible for Legal Aid to challenge any Government decision.  That’s fair, right?

The Penal System is broken along with Human Rights.  Too many people, mainly victims or people who might become victims,, bang on about the Human Rights of victims.  Don’t they know that criminals have Human Rights too?  We need LESS prisons, not more, and stop violating criminals’ rights by banging them up.  If I had my way I’d withdraw from the ECHR completely, nothing but aggravation.

Finally, our greatest success to date, and one of which I, personally, am immensely proud, the people of Britain are broken.  Their will has been drained and smashed.  They don’t know where to get help and advice any more and they certainly don’t have the means to challenge our wonderful reforms. they are smashed.

So, as you can see, Britain is comprehensively broken, and I broke it.  When I joined the scumbag party I made it my mission to become the most loathed British Prime Minister in modern times, and I think I have succeeded don’t you?  Even Maggie didn’t break anywhere near as much as I have succeeded in doing, but we couldn’t have achieved any of this without the help and support from our chums at PX, they really are the best Think Tankers ever.

Please remember this when you go to the polls in May 2015, but if for any reason, there happens to be a miserable turnout, that will still give us a mandate for further breaking, because we said so.

101 Things We Should Never Forget

Well maybe not quite 101, but I’m sure you get the idea.

When you reach my ripe old age the grey matter isn’t as sharp and efficient as it once was, so I find it helpfulo to write things down so I don’t forget.

Here’s my list of things I don’t want to forget, please feel free to add your own in the comments at the bottom if you feel I might benefit from them.

THE NHS IS SAFE IN OUR HANDS – funny that because I thought it seemed like it was being dismantled and sold off, but it must be true Camoron said so and I mustn’t forget.

Tom Winsor never got paid for his far-reaching reports – I must have missed something somewhere because people ALWAYS want to be paid for work they’ve done, don’t they?

Tom Winsor was appointed Chief Inspector HMIC despite having no previous (or current) policing experience. I’m sure there’s no connection between these two, it just seemed convenient to list them both together.

Andrew Mitchell MP never said ‘Pleb’ He refuses to tell us what he did say, but he never said ‘Pleb’. Although he did feel it prudent to resign his Cabinet post a month later.

Andrew Mitchell MP is offered the post of UK European Commissioner at a salary approximately TWICE that of his Cabinet post.  Well, that’s the most recent story I heard, and absolutely nothing to do with the above.

G4S made an absolute shambles of their commitment to the 2012 Olympic Games in London.

G4S and Serco face a multi million pound fraud enquiry into alleged charging for non-existent services in relation to Electronic Tags.

G4S and Serco are both able to bid for new Government contracts despite being subject of an ongoing fraud enquiry.

The 6 day a week service of the Royal Mail is enshrined in law and is therefore protected.

Pension conditions for existing members are protected by law and therefore safe. That’s why the government changed the law, so that they could change the conditions, so must remember not to be taken in by promises that something is protected.

Coastguard Stations will remain open until at least 2015, said David Camoron. Apparently this was a drafting mistake in his letter and he didn’t really mean it.

The Police have only ONE Target and that is to cut crime, said Theresa May.  Police and Crime Commissioners think otherwise, have over-ruled Theresa May and set a whole raft of targets for Police Forces to meet.

There will be NO Frontline cuts. Damn good job too, my dog’s got fleas and needs dome Frontline, shame they won’t reduce the price though.

There will be no Tuition Fees – well we all know where that one went.

There will be no increase in VAT – not since they raised it to 20% anyway.  As an aside to this VAT in France is dual band, 19.6% for most things, and 5.5% for renovation works (i.e. building work on a property you have owned for more than 2 years), cafes, restaurants and numerous others. Certainly helped to kick-start the economy and get people back into restaurants and have work done to their houses.

We will provide 3,000 extra Police Officers – still waiting for them to turn up, late on Parade.

There will be no bonuses for Bank Directors – Bankers are even being given bonuses for making a loss, what chance do we stand with that one?

That’s about all my ageing brain can think of at the moment, if I think of any more howlers I’ll certainly add them, but as I said at the beginning, please feel free to add your own.


Way back in the late 70s, early 80s, when I still had some hair and a much darker beard than today I met a lady.  This lady was a lady like no other. No, she did not become Mrs Angry, she became Constable Angry’s Night Duty Prisoner.

North West London. Early hours of the morning, I received a call to a suspected Criminal Damage to a vehicle.  The address was that of one of our local doctors. Mad as a box of eccentrics. Slipperier than a slippery thing.

When I arrived she indicated her car, with the remains of one of Tate and Lyle’s finest still visible beneath the petrol filler cap.  She had been sugared!!

I gave her all the advice she needed and we retired indoors for me to take down her particulars.  At some point in the proceedings Dr Patel’s (for that was surely not her name) husband appeared and he seemed verily most grumpy.

Fear not, this is not heading anywhere near where you might think that it is. I knew Dr Patel. Not in the biblical sense you understand. More like the “Yes Your Worship, I know Dr Patel” sort of way.

Some sharp words passed between them, words I had never heard before, and then a cut glass ashtray whistled past my left ear, passing closer than I felt comfortable with truth be told. No more Mr Nice Guy. “Dr Patel – you’re nicked”

Back at the nick she was booked in, searched and placed in a cell, not without the obligatory struggle. Glad she wasn’t my GP.

Eventually she was charged and bailed and at 6 o’clock Constable Angry went off duty and retired home.

It must have been at least 3 hours later before I was awoken from my slumber by the telephone. It was the nick. Apparently Chief Inspector Jones required my presence in his office and wasn’t prepared to wait. Goody thought I. Recalled off Nights. There has to be some overtime in this.

It has to be said that my arrival at the nick did not seem to improve the good Chief Inspector’s mood any. Apparently Dr Patel had made an allegation against the nasty bearded officer who had arrested her. My protestations that I thought it was quite a nice beard went unheeded, Mr Jones didn’t seem to have an opinion on it. An allegation had been made, a very serious allegation.

Apparently I had stolen something from Dr Patel, something very personal. I assured the boss that I was innocent but he insisted that I would have to submit to my locker being searched. I was a bit pissed off at this affront as my locker was quite obviously bursting with contraband. But searched it inevitably was and no knickers were found that matched the description of those that I had allegedly stolen. Moi?

The truth?  She simply hadn’t been wearing any. I know this to be true as I had the ugly end when we put her in the cell.

Oh well, back home to bed. How very dare she insult my beard?

Stealing Knickers from a doctor?

A Job Like No Other, and for me I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

The Truth About Food, Diets and Excercise

I’ve just started my new job as a Personal Trainer and I thought I’d share a few of my ‘learnings’ with you all.

I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually… Speeding up your heart does not make you live longer; it’s  like saying you extend the life of your car by driving faster. You want to live longer? Take an afternoon nap.

Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does a cow eat?  Grass, hay and corn.  And what are these?  Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. You need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chops can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance (RDA) of vegetable products.

Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that means that they take the water out of the fruity bits so you get even more of the goodness that way.  Beer is also made of grain and hops . Bottoms up!

How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain… good!

Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
YOU’RE  NOT LISTENING!  Food is fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Part of your 5 A DAY

Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Definitely not!  When you exercise muscles, they get bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Is chocolate bad for me?
Are you crazy?!? HELLLOOOOOOO !! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!  It’s the best feel-good food around!

Is swimming good for your figure?
If swimming is good for your figure, explain the whale to me. A whale swims all day, only eats fish or plankton, drinks water, but is still fat

Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
Hey! ‘Round’ IS a shape is it not

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food, exercise and diets.

Mrs Angry is Not Happy, In Fact She’s Pretty Angry

Mrs Angry owns a German car.

Mrs Angry bought a German car because we stupidly believed that they were built to a high quality and were reliable.

Mrs Angry’s German car is neither of these things.

We didn’t buy this German car from new, it was ‘Previously Owned’ (Second Hand to you and me).  It hadn’t done an excessive amount of mileage and was in good nick.  It had a Service History and all those other nice things you like to see when you buy a Previously Owned German Car.

Last year it needed a new Cam Belt, no biggy, routine maintenance, no problem.  Like all garages these days, the German Car Service Department seemed to be quite adept at breaking the water pump when they replaced the cambelt.  It seems to be “de rigeur” these days.

When we went back to collect the car they had some more good news for us “While we had the car stripped down we noticed that one of your Power Steering pipes is corroded and needs changing.”  Add another £450 to the bill.  “Oh and by the way, you’ll need some brake discs and pads as well”

After its service the very nice German Car Service Department Man said “We’ve filled it up with long life oil, see you in 2 years”.  7 months later the oil light suddenly came on, on a cold, snowy evening in the middle of WAGshire.  A quick rummage under the bonnet revealed that the oil was no longer making contact with the dipstick.  One large bottle of engine oil later she was on her way again.  The part of this element that strikes me as odd is that despite regular checking of the oil level it has not lowered since.  Surely the German Car Service Department put enough in?

MOT due now, so we thought we’d put the car in for an interim service, just to be on the safe side.

“We had a major oil leak after last year’s service, could you check it out please Mr German Car Service Man?” 3 hours later came the phone call we’d been dreading.  “We’ve found the cause of your oil problem, the rocker cover is leaking, and 2 pipes are split”  Net result, loss of oil and another big bill.

Do you remember the days when if your rocker cover was leaking you popped down to Halfords, bought a cork gasket and replaced it?  Nice German Cars now require that you change the whole rocker cover. Cost?  £400 or thereabouts.  “Why is this?” I asked the German Car Service Department Manager.  “Why can you not pop down to Halfords and get a cork gasket for 50 pence”?  “Cos it’s cheaper for the manufacturers to build them this way, with the seal and everything built into it”  Tough shit for the owners though.  “Don’t worry though, your car will be ready on Friday afternoon”

Friday morning came, second phone call from German Car Garage Service Department.  “Your car won’t be ready today after all, it won’t be ready until Monday cos some muppet has sent the wrong part.”

“Can’t the muppet pay to send the right part Special Delivery so that it arrives here today then?”  A reasonable request I thought, as it certainly wasn’t the fault of the family Angry.  “It doesn’t work like that” said German Car Workshop Manager,”but I can borrow you a courtesy car”

At this point tempers went completely out the window, we don’t want the bloody courtesy car, we’ll manage with my French limousine, which is at least running with the engine in one piece.

Lesson learnt. Never buy a Nice German Car ever again.  If anybody from the the Nice German Car Head Office is reading this and wants to discuss some form of recompense, then please do.

And who are they? Oh sod it, go on then, it’s a new shape VW Beetle. Nice car if you’ve got deep pockets.

Now to go and fill mine up with onions, garlic and red wine so that we can get to the airport at stupid o’clock tomorrow morning, to drop Angry Junior off.

Places I HaveBeen

Good Day to you Readers.
I thought I’d give you a break from my normal blogs and tell you about some places I have been or would like to go to.
I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots.  Apparently you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone
I’ve never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognises you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport, you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump to get there and I’m not too good on the physical activity any more
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I get older.
One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart.  At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get.
I have been in Decisive, but I’m not sure sure how I feel about it there.
I have also been in Ept, but that was a stupid idea.
I love to travel,  however, I never want to be in Continent.