Broken Britain, by David Camoron

People of Britain, (please note that I did not say Great Britain, because it’s long since stopped being Great), I have to report to you that Britain is Broken.

The Police Service is broken. Broken by Winsor 1 and 2, broken by Theresa May, my right hand man, broken by our new Police and Crime Commissioners with their 200 performance targets. Broken by the changes to their pensions, pay scales, Compulsory Severance, they are broken.  They spend all their working lives trying to lock people up, well, we just had to break that mould, can’t be having folk locked up now can we? In fact, they are so broken that we’ve had to ask our partners, G4$, $erco and the like, to step in and rescue them and bring huge chunks of them into profit.  The Police have got the hump with me anyway, and all because I described them as ‘Relatively Honest’.  Don’t they realise that was in comparison with Ghaddafi’s Police, why are they even bothered?

The Armed Forces are broken. The combined strength of the Armed Forces is now at its lowest level since World War II when we fought that other despot, Mr Hitler.  We’re going to lose some more in the near future, but fear not, because I have a cunning plan.  We’ll increase the numbers of the Territorial Army and hopefully no-one will notice the difference.  If that doesn’t work we’ll get Captain Mainwaring and his men out of retirement to bolster the numbers and protect our shores and assets.

The Fire Brigade is broken. Fire Engines have been sold off, Fire Stations are being closed. Privatisation/Outsourcing/Partnership is creeping in, Firefighters are going to have to work longer for less pension, so all is well and going to plan.

The National Health Service is broken. Waiting lists are on the rise again, we’re haemorrhaging  doctors and nurses, they don’t want to stay any more. Hospital budgets are buggered, waiting times in A&E are completely unacceptable. The Health Service is safe in our hands, but Broken.

Because the Hospitals are broken, that has broken the Ambulance Service, who can no longer deliver their patients to hospital in a timely manner and get back out there.  Instead they spend hours parked up on the A&E Ambulance ramp just waiting, before they can get back into service once again.  The upside of this though, is that they can claim compensation from the hospital for keeping them waiting, thus screwing the hospital’s budget just a little bit more.

The Coastguards are broken.  We’ve closed down nearly half the Coastguard Stations around the British coast, with nice new shiny Central Control Centres set up miles from the sea.  Coastguard numbers are down too, so we’re well on target to have smashed them anytime soon.  The Search and Rescue Service has been sold off to a foreign company, so no matter how efficient they are at finding folk, they’re working for profit and those profits will go abroad. That’s good right? I’d quite like to outsource the RNLI as well, but as that’s a charity it might take a bit more thinking about.

The Prison Service is broken.  We are now beginning to see prisons run by our partners G4$ and $erco etc. It will soon be a shadow of its former self, but at least it will be privately run.

The Probation Service is broken.  Once again our illustrious partners G4$ and $erco came riding to the rescue and took on parts of the Probation Service remit, and even though they’re facing ongoing fraud enquiries because they seemingly charged for services they did not provide, that’s OK, that nice Chris Grayling has said that it’s OK for them to bid for new contracts

Social Services are so broken that G4$ have had to take over the running of some Children’s Homes, and apply for Planning Permission etc under the name of a private individual.

The Legal System is broken.  We were going to award contracts to the lowest bidder, but Chris Grayling has U Turned on that.  We will however carry out the following

  • Legal aid fees will be cut by 17.5% across the board
  • Residency tests to be introduced for civil legal aid – only those who have lived in the UK for more than 12 months will be eligible
  • Cap on contracts for duty solicitor work at police stations
  • Income restrictions will be put in place – those with more than £3,000 per month after mortgage, tax and other “essential outgoings” will not be entitled to aid
  • 11,000 cases brought by prisoners will no longer be eligible
  • And on top of that you will no longer be eligible for Legal Aid to challenge any Government decision.  That’s fair, right?

The Penal System is broken along with Human Rights.  Too many people, mainly victims or people who might become victims,, bang on about the Human Rights of victims.  Don’t they know that criminals have Human Rights too?  We need LESS prisons, not more, and stop violating criminals’ rights by banging them up.  If I had my way I’d withdraw from the ECHR completely, nothing but aggravation.

Finally, our greatest success to date, and one of which I, personally, am immensely proud, the people of Britain are broken.  Their will has been drained and smashed.  They don’t know where to get help and advice any more and they certainly don’t have the means to challenge our wonderful reforms. they are smashed.

So, as you can see, Britain is comprehensively broken, and I broke it.  When I joined the scumbag party I made it my mission to become the most loathed British Prime Minister in modern times, and I think I have succeeded don’t you?  Even Maggie didn’t break anywhere near as much as I have succeeded in doing, but we couldn’t have achieved any of this without the help and support from our chums at PX, they really are the best Think Tankers ever.

Please remember this when you go to the polls in May 2015, but if for any reason, there happens to be a miserable turnout, that will still give us a mandate for further breaking, because we said so.


There has been a lot of debate recently about reforms to the Police Service, I have made my views on this subject perfectly clear and do not intend to contribute further today.

What has become clear, however, is this government’s absolute intention to reform everything in sight.  I was watching the BBC London News last night and the lead item was about the proposed reform of the London Fire Brigade.  As part of this craziness called Cost-Cutting they are faced with having to save £65 million from their budget.  This maybe not be a huge amount when compared to savings needed to be found by each and every police force but it represents approximately 840 job losses, 30 Fire Stations to be closed and 30 Fire Engines ‘scrapped’.  How can you close 30 Fire Stations in one city and not affect response times, service to the public and overall efficiency?  Will more of our houses be at risk of burning down now?  Earlier this year the London Fire and Emergency Planning Authority outsourced the London Fire Brigade’s control room to Capita on a 10 year contract (does that sound familiar?).  A quick look at the Fire Brigade Union website shows that this course of action is being mirrored all across the country.  In almost every county there are cuts to Front Line fire services.

Earlier this month the Public Accounts Committee published its report entitled Transforming NHS ambulance servicesIt is clear from the ‘Conclusions and Recommendations’ section of this report that the Home Accounts Committee do not really understand the Ambulance Service and how it operates.  With reforms to the NHS seemingly going ahead apace it seems only reasonable to assume that the Ambulance Service will be ‘reformed’ sooner or later, and that can only mean one thing, a reduction in funding and probable outsourcing of some functions.  Who knows we might even see G4S Ambulances on our streets before very much longer.

So if any of you were still in any doubt whatsoever about this ConDem government of ours, the truth is out there.  They are intent on reforming ALL of the Emergency Services, and by reforming I mean ‘cutting back’, slimming down’.  These people would have us believe that they are not stupid, so they must be able to see the consequences of their actions.  Cut Back on the Emergency Services HAS TO put lives at risk.  The public, the Firemen (sorry ladies), the Ambulance workers and Paramedics and the Police Officers.

The Emergency Services are not immune from making savings, I’m sure we can all identify areas of excess and wastage and remedy the situation, but there has to be a limit.  Not a single person’s  personal safety should be put at risk for the sake of Reform.  Reform the House of Commons, I’m sure there’s some wastage of public funds goes on there.  Reform the Banking Industry, they seem to have got us into this mess.  Do not dismantle the Emergency Services, quick to do but not so easy to put right again afterwards.